Tag Archive | grief

Changes & Challenges

I have several unfinished drafts of blog posts here on Ink-Stained Worlds that I will almost certainly never publish.

Most of them attempt to put into words my feelings regarding the death of my mother and the unusual relationship with grief that I seemed to have developed following her passing. Alas, I am not as eloquent as I would like, so I will quickly sum up the core of it:

I have not cried for my mother, and I do not expect to, since she died. I am not upset that she is dead – at all. I miss her fiercely, and I wish that I could discuss many things with her as once I did, but seeing the literal agony in which she lived the final months of her life, I am grateful for her death, because it has given her peace.

Jennifer Thornby

Grief counselling has never been something I have gelled with, but in my mother’s case I simply don’t feel the need. I have closure here – or, at least, as much closure as anyone could wish to have upon the death of their mother. I said my goodbyes. She knew that I love her. She is no longer in pain – and those things, for me, are enough. Grief is a very personal process and I had a quiet but intense friendship with my mother that grew and deepened in the years leading up to her passing. I appreciate that time. I do not wish for more, exactly, because I would not wish more life on her without being able to assure her quality of life, and that was denied to her by her condition.

To wish more life on her simply so that I could talk to her some more would be selfishness of the highest order. I would wish death upon the worst of Humanity before wishing upon them the ordeal through whish my mother passed – and she was the best human being I have ever met.

This post, as I am so wont to say, isn’t about that. It’s been bugging me that I haven’t written the above clearly and succinctly, and unlike the former posts (which I wrote with the mindset that I’d maybe put them out there, if I liked the way they turned out), I do fully intend to publish this one.

So. On to what this post is actually about. Continue reading →

Trapped in the Mirror

Jan25

Sometimes I get lost in songs.

The cage I find myself in, at times like this, are made of sound – tiny notes meshed together and harder than steel, even if they can be broken by pressing the Pause button – but the stuff in the cage, filling the void between bars and sloshing in the empty space around my (metaphorical) flesh is raw emotion.

I have an unusual relationship with emotion. Mind you, I have an unusual relationship with most things. I’m fairly typical like that.

Let me explain what this feels like…

Continue reading →

Recollection

Apr9

I recall my oldest brother,
Flawed though recollection be;
Scalpel wit and thoughtful manner,
Man of practicality.

Ever with a clever comment,
Born of academic mind;
Looking up and ever forward
Though much grieving lay behind.

Sad afflicted was my brother,
With a wicked malady;
Bravely fought against that illness –
Bravely fought, and now is free.

*****

I recall my youngest brother,
Four good years above my own.
Troubled days we spent together,
Wounded heart now overgrown.

Charming, laughing, always funny,
Blessed with popularity.
Cursed he was with demons bitter,
Deep within. We did not see.

Much I have to tell my brother.
Much is sadly left unsaid.
By his hand, in midst of darkest
Misery, his life has fled.

*****

I remember both my brothers,
Loved them both until the end.
Love them still, though grief be bitter;
Sometimes hearts will never mend.

Golden years we spent together.
Sadly, what they say is true:
Never will you know your blessings
Til, one day, they’re lost to you.

Sadly passed but not forgotten,
Gone again from whence they came.
Only lost in mortal presence;
In our hearts they still remain.

To Now, From Then

Jun10

A Poem

Too long has passed, too many years are gone
Since someone who was loved has gone to lie,
No more to walk and laugh beneath the sky;
To never more set eyes upon the dawn.

The stardust called you back to it too soon
Beyond our temporary state of life;
You left behind so many filled with strife –
So many hearts beneath the sun and moon.

Too soon, too soon you left and went your way,
With many words unspoken ever more,
This broken heart with tears began to pour;
Too soon, too soon we met that fateful day.

Today my broken heart is company –
So many days have passed to now from then;
And though we are to never meet again
I know from pain and anguish you are free.

— Scott Thornby, 2015.06.10

That Eventime

Oct2

Once upon a writing time
A rhyming time, a timing time
I found myself a-thinking of
The time I spent with you.

And then within that thinking time
That dreaming time, that deeming time
I couldn’t help but wonder
If my memories were true.

For caught within that sorrow time
A grieving time, that eventime
Were times that held the both of us
And bitter words we’d said.

And there, within that tallow time
Internal time, infernal time
I knew within my marrow that
The best of us was dead.

My memory plays tricks with time
Unfaithful and most wraithful time
Until your face is shrouded
And your voice from me has gone.

I wondered, in that torpid time
That listless time, that shiftless time
If begging moon and stars would bring
You back to me til dawn.

Now lost within a woeful time
Regretful time, forgetful time
The ones I mourn the passing of
Will fade to sand and dross.

And so, within my broken time
Lamenting time, repenting time
I sit as mem’ry falters
Leaving me with only loss.

Rest Well, Mordred

Jul25

Will you carry the words of Love with you?
Will you ride the great white bird into Heaven?
And though you want to last forever you know you never will
You know you never will
And the goodbye makes the journey harder still…

– Cat Stevens, Oh Very Young, 1974

It’s harder to write words of remembrance for a cat than it is for a person.

It has nothing to do with the volume of feeling. It has to do with the unspoken bond that humans have with companion animals. If you’re not a person with an affinity for pets you won’t understand how the death of an animal can break someone. It’s heart-wrenching on a level that’s difficult to express and it’s a trial to attempt to find the words to do such a companion justice. Continue reading →

Colin: a Eulogy

Jul15

Colin John Thornby

When my brother got sick and started very seriously contemplating the end of his life he started considering options for burial and memorials. At the time we, his family, didn’t know about it but he was talking to a good friend of his – Jane – about the matter. She suggested he write out what he wanted for the memorial himself.

To fully appreciate what happened next you need to understand what kind of a man my brother was in one very important respect: he was used to running things. He was a natural leader and very accustomed to being in charge. Writing out lesson plans for his classes (and his partner’s), sermons for his fellow Christians, advice for the people he gave spiritual guidance for – and that’s only in his later life. Since we were kids he was the one standing up and speaking, making sure everyone was on time, working out who was to bring what and when they had to do their thing (depending on the situation).

Colin agreed that writing his own memorial would be a good idea and so he did.

Continue reading →

In Memorandum: Colin John Thornby

Jul2

My oldest brother, Colin John Thornby, has joined those who came before. He died peacefully in the Royal Melbourne Hospital on the 1st of July, 2013, at 6:43pm after a long and hard struggle against a chest infection following a bone marrow transplant. His lungs gave out and he passed away after the medical staff determined that there was nothing more they could do for him.

It’s difficult to find words worthy of him to put down on digital page. Finding words isn’t difficult in general but most of them are trite, obscene or both. But to put down how much my brother meant to me and how much he will be missed, by myself and others… As someone who uses language not only as a tool of communication (as we all do) but a medium of creative expression I find that there are times when words simply… aren’t enough. They don’t do the job. Continue reading →